Procrastinator Files

(an occasional column of musings designed to help keep you from what you really should be doing)

You are What You Eat: Food Groups of the 21st Century

June 23, 2004

Washington DC, The USDA announced today it has revised its 40 year old food groupings. The “food guide pyramid” has been a familiar site in classrooms around the country since 1960. Featuring carbohydrates at the bottom and fats at the top of the pyramid, the guide was given to generations of children to remind them of proper proportions of various food groups.

The revisions to the pyramid were made after scientists and agents of USDA consulted hundreds of cyclists because of their extreme levels of fitness, achieved in part by their exemplary diet. “We felt that cyclists were the finest example of “you are what you eat,” noted a USDA official Stewart Meat.

The new pyramid shows the food groups in their proper proportion. Replacing the breads and grains at the bottom of the pyramid is a steaming pile of spaghetti, brown rice, GU, Hammer Gel, granola bars and Enervit pills.

A new level of the pyramid is coffee beans (shade grown), chocolate (dark) and wine (red) and beer (micro-brewed).

In the most visible change to the pyramid, the next three categories are all equal in size, giving the pyramid a bulging appearance. In equal proportions are the fruit group: bananas. Next to the fruit is the meat, as in sirloin or venison. Finally, the Olive Oil group, as in Colla Vita and peanut butter make up the top of the pyramid.

"I think this pyramid accurately reflects the diet of an adult cyclist. You get so in tune with your body and I absolutely can tell when my red wine cell count is low," said Rebecca Anderson, president of WCA and an authority on food.

WCA grants permission to reprint the revised pyramid for educational purposes.

This musing brought to you by S. Grosz (Nova/IS Corp)

May 7, 2004

Observed in velonews.com:

In chief commissaire Wayne Pomario's communiqué to teams and the media, he stressed that ”it is against race regulations and unlawful to urinate in public. Penalties may be applied against any team members who break this regulation and local law. They may also be subject to a jail sentence from local authorities.”

Seriously. Gee, Wayne, where are the riders supposed to pee during their 200k adventure in the Georgia hills? Maybe they all could take turns at a local gas station on their way to Brasstown Bald. Wait,
nevermind...it's only 30C in Georgia right now - what am I thinking about - the riders won't have to drink any water, and therefore, they shouldn't have to pee.

If it "is" against race regulations, then why is it that penalties "may" be applied? If it "is" illegal, then don't you think penalties "shall" be applied, no matter what? I can see it now; Lance pees - no
problem, race director uses his discretion and does not apply penalty. John Lieswyn pees--busted. I guess in a sense it's a good rule because John will proceed to raise holy hell about it in his next diary on
cyclingnews.com. We the readers will enjoy it so much that we will shop at cyclingnews.com sponsors and buy Healthnet insurance while stocking our bikes with Maxxis tires. Turns out it's all part of the plan!

Also, why is it that the Americans can't handle some peeing along the side of the Georgia roads? They've been doing it in euro bike races for years now, and they seem to be no worse off for it. I realize the
human geographers will probably tell me that a lot of it has to do with the fact that much of American culture is shaped by the fact that many of the earliest American settlers were cast out of Europe due to their, shall we say, puritanical, beliefs. Nonetheless, that can't be true, as the conservative scholars I hear on the radio keep talking about the liberal cess-pool that is modern day America. Frankly, I just don't see it. What is it with people that makes them afraid of seeing a wiener here and there? I bet something like 99% of the population will have seen at least one by adulthood - what's the big deal? Further it's the side of the road in GEORGIA! It's not like Lance will be rolling his shorts up next to Tavern on the Green! Will anyone even notice the urine amidst the refuse already present in the gutter?